The Second One

They say that your second kid going off to College isn't as hard.

So far, I disagree

I don't really know who "they" are, but I have been dreading this upcoming day like another -18 degree day (or another post about that stupid striped dress - seriously, who cares?  How do people have time for this?!).

William thinks it's because he's the second one. That I only was sad and cared about Bob, my baby, my firstborn.  Or as he say's it "It was Bob's year last year and instead of being my year, it's an 'I'm so sad I miss Bob' year".

My world is most definitely less colorful without Bob.  I described it to Will yesterday as we were talking:
With all my boys home, my world is vibrant, colorful, noisy, and delicious.  With one gone, the colors are more subdued and just a bit less.  When you leave, it will be even duller.

I know that sometimes too much color is too much color.  Any good artist knows when to lay on the vibrancy and when to back off.  There will be days, already have been days, when I enjoy the subtlety of  a tone-down world.  But oh the joy when full-color is here!

The problem right now is that William is leaving soon and I don't know how to handle it.  One leaving was one of the most painful experiences I've gone through as a mother.  I respect that each one must forge his own path, but darn it, it hurts my mothers heart!  I know he's (any of them) are not mine, but God's.  I was blessed with gifts to treasure and train to love, know and serve Him.  I have been doing the best job I can, but really, one gone is enough!
Where I could understand what Bob was thinking more often than not (because of our similarity) and I understood his shyness in a way that only a fellow introvert could, I already know I will mourn that daily interaction with William.  He and I share a love of music and literature, we love to debate and we get the same jokes. I also know a bit of what's coming when William is packed and ready to walk out the door this late summer.

I can't be prouder of my sons and cherish how each is growing into his own man.  I cannot, absolutely cannot wait to see what God has in store for you and know our family is not broken apart, but spread and will only increase.  Still, grieving is hard work and I have a job to do - getting through this part so I can embrace the next.  

So my dear William, It's not because it's still Bob's year.  It's 'because I'm going to miss you so deeply I don't want to face it yet' year.  I love you my son.


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